Desperately seeking Neri.
Hello everybody!
It has definitely been a while since I last posted something here. Life has been different these last few years from what it was when I started this website, when I started writing and trying to be intentional about that.
There have been some real highlights along the way (hello, I got married!) and there have been some plot twists I hadn’t anticipated.
I’m currently sitting in my backyard in Budgewoi, soaking up the momentary speckles of sunlight that break free from the blanket of clouds that scream of imminent rain, desperately seeking Neri.
The girl who would be able to sit at her computer and let hours pass her by as she crafted sentences in paragraphs and paragraphs into chapters. The girl who if she didn’t create in some way would feel as though the breath in her body had been stolen so seamless had it been to create.
So seamless had it been to have the energy to create. To answer the call each time inspiration struck. Now I find even the thought of looking at my laptop sucks the energy from me.
Just over 2 years ago I changed jobs and managed to land the role of CEO at a charity here on the Central Coast. I think back to those early days and how naive I was to the journey ahead of me. How I thought I was ready for what lay ahead of me.
My mindset at the time was driven by frustration and a whole lot of grief that I didn’t really know I had or wanted to deal with even if I was aware. I started this new role at the beginning of December but 5 months earlier Davyn and I had made the decision to close Thread Harvest down. A deal we had gone all in on fell through and as a result, so did Thread Harvest. Out of frustration and feeling completely exhausted from having invested so much over the last 7 years, I decided I was done owning something and just wanted steady income but I also knew I had knowledge and experience that was valuable. I didn’t want to just go for any old job, I knew I could do something at an Executive level. So after searching for a few weeks and applying for many jobs, I landed the interview for the CEO role. By October I had found out I was successful in getting the job and by the beginning of December I was walking into my new role, Thread Harvest in the review mirror.
There are many stories, many lessons, many moments of deep pain, surprise, sadness that I have experienced over these last few years in this role. At some point, they will surface and I will find the words to share the lessons that were hard fought for.
For now, I want to reflect on how difficult it has been since taking on this role to find my creative self again.
As a kid, I lived in the land of imagination. It’s what drew me to acting and performing, it has been the gateway to writing, it has been the deepest form of identity for me. Becoming a CEO has meant the capacity for creativity has taken a back seat. I began to understand myself in this type of role, I slowly saw my creative self dim in colour first and then move to background and progressively fade into nonexistence.
In the beginning, I told myself it was fine, I was taking on a new big role and it was ok if I didn’t have the capacity to tend to my creative self. There is a level of truth to that. It was ok to focus on this new adventure, it has been a pretty big shift after all. Leading a team, turning a business around, dealing with multiple HR issues, learning to work with a Board and in amongst it all learning a completely new industry that is changing constantly. It has been a big undertaking.
Scrap that. It has been the biggest undertaking and all-consuming journey and I am starved.
Two years on and my soul is weary. And the more I rest, just relax, watch TV or try and have naps the more nothing fills the tank. I can’t seem to get the energy together to even do the things that feed my soul.
And there has to be grace for that. I have a big job. Life has been big these last couple of years and I’m thankful for a super supportive husband who cheers me on and constantly encourages me to lean into the creative part of me. If I start to place expectations on myself to achieve a certain level of creativity in a certain way, then I set myself up to fail.
Which is why I’m back here to commit to baby steps. I’m learning a lot and reflecting a lot on what my definition of a life well lived is. What does it mean to live within the will and purposes of God? I don’t think I am outside of the purposes of God, I just think he has brought me to a place of contemplation regarding what is truly important in life.
And one thing I know for sure is that he has created me to be creative. To ignore that or let the creative self fade into nothingness is not truly living as he has created me to be.
So baby steps. What do these baby steps look like?
Well, there are four areas:
Writing. I need to rebuild my writing habit again. There are so many things I want to write about but to expect myself to write a novel in the next 3 months is for sure setting myself up for failure. This baby step looks like a commitment to writing blogs as frequently as I can sustain, hopefully once a week.
Vlogging. I just love this form of content creation and I’m lucky enough to have a married a man who is exceptionally talented in this area and doesn’t want to be in front of the camera, whereas that, to me, is the exciting part. My plan is to dip my toe and see where it goes.
Pressing into the Present. I need to be in nature, I actually feel worse after spending a day watching TV. My body needs to be outside, toes pressed against the earth, eyes turned heavenward and shielded from the sun that is bathing my skin and energising my bones. For some time now I have wanted to turn the three raised garden beds in my backyard into flower beds. I want to create a wildflower garden. The process of which will aid in keeping me in the present.
Finally, moving my body. I got the gym 3-4 times a week and work with a personal trainer (and my husband is also studying to be a personal trainer) but nothing restores my soul then walks along beautiful beaches, in shady cool forests or kilometers and kilometres of winding trail and fully immersed in nature. Unplugged and present. Not necessarily every weekend, but my hope would be once a month.
That’s it. Those are the things I’m looking to press into in order to get me back in alignment with my creative self. To find Neri again. And one found, never let her go again.